Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
