and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
