Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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