Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
