I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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