i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
