real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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