I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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