Where are you?
In a non slutty way
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
