i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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