I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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