And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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