anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
