READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
