god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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