took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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