Don't you send me to vm
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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