your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So drunk its hurt
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
