You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
