Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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