1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
