no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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