I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
3pm strippers are depressing
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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