Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
