You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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