i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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