I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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