I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
