I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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