I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
