Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
