hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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