I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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