It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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