I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
