And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my poor anus
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
