bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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