Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
