my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
