What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
