what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
