just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
