i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
