something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
