Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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