Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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