just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
