I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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