Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
