Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
