i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
