Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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