i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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