I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
