Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
