We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
