oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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