Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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